sitting one out

sometimes i just like to take a minute and separate myself from things.  especially when i am in the middle of events, social happenings.  life becomes detached for me, and i can see clearly once i give myself the time to.

 

when we all went camping in allegany, and everyone was fumbling and stumbling along the rock formations with their half-finished cans of beer, i felt an incredible desire to sneak away and just be alone a minute.  so i did.  it wasn’t difficult.   jeff was climbing halfway up a rock, some people were throwing around a football, and some folks had found comfortable spots atop the rocks to just sit back and drink, or hang legs over ledges.  i twisted along, between the huge moss-covered masses and felt a small hint of danger remembering the signs i’d seen upon entrance to the state park–black bears.

i worked my way far enough that i didn’t hear anyone anymore.  i felt this crazy freedom, pushing along toward the boundary of the rock formations until it was only me, my back against the damp rock and my face toward a vast and heady forest.  the air felt thick with damp and blue green light, and out of the silence i heard a bird sing the most solitary and intricate song.  not the simple, one-note chirps heard here in the city.  not the hack of the crow, and not even like the gurgling chirps that my poor caged parakeets make.  it was a beautiful and lonely trill, and it was mine alone.  i felt a buzzed ecstacy, like i had found something more important than anything i’d left behind me.  i wanted to stay where i was, and i did,  for another minute or so.

my beer was long finished, and i held the empty can in my hand like it was some kind of key back.  back away from the bears and the forest and the impending dark.  and i had to put that can somewhere.  so i walked toward the sounds of laughter and familiar voices, and the door to the dark, somewhat frightening and achingly beautiful woods shut behind me.

tonight, everybody else went to the softball game and a party.  i stayed behind since i’m feeling kinda off anyhow.  i’m hearing city birds, and the buzzing noise of that damned light that turns on once it begins to get dark.  i’m missing my family terribly, and thinking of how i should best spend this bit of time when the house is empty and silent.  perhaps i’ll fix a drink and play some music and paint something.  sometimes i wonder if i’m the only person who craves being alone almost as much as being with others?  thoughts?